"Antidote"

Depression is a poison, changing its characteristics over time. It is rarely lethal, often numbing and usually painful. Sometimes, there are no symptoms at all - sometimes it offers a life-altering experience.

Growing under the influence made me realize, that it’s me poisoning myself. Thinking it has anything to do with life itself turned out to be a deception most of the time. 

Eventually I lost trust in myself and my decisions, knowing I could poison myself unknowingly and anytime. I found myself double checking every aspect of my life, expecting a hazard in the unknown. Sometimes it feels like I’m just a spectator of my own life, failing to understand whatever I’m forced to watch. Total loss of control. 

Painting is the antagonist, full control, pure intuition, my responsibility. 

With my creativity contaminated with depression it is very challenging to take the first step. 

My studio looked like I left in a hurry right before I got sick again. Thankfully there was a prepared canvas, the acrylics spread on the floor became my colours of choice. 

Remembering that I’ll have to clean my brushes afterwards made me question if I’d be better off going back to bed. As i started to paint, with my bare hands, I felt empowered. Slowly but steady regaining confidence, the urge to keep going. 

This painting is my antidote, until the poison changes again.